28.6.03
i think you've changed a lot. so much so that i dont think i can even recognize you anymore. you've become like any stranger on the streets. there's something drastic abt the whole metamorphosis that's bugging me. just something, but i cant figure out what exactly it is. the thought just lingers on and it keeps me wondering. perhaps it's me that's changed. oh well, but i see a different you anyway. but it's alright, i accept your change. it is, in a way, rather pleasant.
it's going to be a tough choice when reality's going to strike all over again. i dont know which route to choose and am in such a loss at how to handle it. maybe for once i'll play the escapist and choose not to look at the problem in its face and not allow it to bother me, as much as it will eventually. perhaps it's a good idea to runaway once in a while because approaching the problem doesnt necessarily ease things all the time; in some ways it even aggravates matters and the all remains unsolved. complexities are further tangled into a ball of mess and to wriggle out of it would be another massive project requiring more strength and determination each time. but it's alright, things always work out in the end, dont they?
adopting an optimistic perspective in life is indeed something crucial and helpful. it changes your life totally. when pessimism sets in, it eats into you and everything's seemingly s-h-i-t. [pardon the crudeness of language] i hope things will change for the better, for all of us, that is, if we'll cooperate and put in that effort. everything can be beautiful, really. i've not given up hope and i hope you have not either. awaiting a new beginning.
den* stepped on your garbage at
Happy Birthday Dearie!! :D
Havent blogged for a day and it feels so weird. oh well...went out with dearie on friday and it was physically challenging i'd say, haha, especially since i went to the bookfair right after that. it was really fun at dizzie land [think that was how it's spelt], the destination we finally got to after much effort, but just couldnt stand how that terry guy kept staring at us and forcing us to choose the prizes. walked round and round cos we were, in a way, lost. but i'll remember the mistakes i made!! :) it was a lovely day anyway. hehe. the bookfair's quite a failure actually...mostly all kiddy books...like hello, how come they dont cater to the range of readers between children and grown-ups?! so didnt buy anything, and was having a runny nose the whole time through, it was torturous. dearie, glad that we didnt end up there. heh. btw, pl, think we saw ur ex. think so. he was with a girl. tell u more nx time.
just recovered from a great big headache thanks to darling panadol. tried sleeping instead of popping pills but instead of recovering, i ended up with my hair all messed up and sticking out because i slept right after bathing with my hair only three-quarters dry. good thing tomorrow's sunday. i'll have time to save the disaster, hehe. the heat this afternoon was scorching and that was probably how my headache came about anyway. this is no time to fall ill though, with the imminent orals. had a busy day today again. cant remember doing what though. oh, reading i think.
having muscle aches in my legs. thanks to the walking on friday, haah. it's so pathetic, just walking around and can get muscle aches. haix. lack of exercise. and i think the four extra flight of stairs we climbed at the mrt statn was really the last i could take, haha.
went to the 'construction site' today to check things out with mum and sis. it was havoc cos the men were changing the roof and they had this crane-like thingy going swinging around and was so fearful that the tiles would just fall off it and come crashing on our heads. when i opened the car door and stepped out, there was this damn good looking guy and i nearly died of shock. it came too suddenly. haha. too bad he doesnt work for us, what a damn waste. he's working for a house nearby though. first time ive seen a goodlooking construction worker. hahaha. but i'll just categorize my reaction as 'normal' and i guess it's good too. ;) he's tall, dark and handsome. haha. hmmz....better looking than vincent i suppose. hahah. i just realised that things may be going back to where it once started. the opposite gender is attracting my attention more each time. woohoo. i think it started with the purple guy, who in dearie's opinion looks gay, on friday, haha...let's hope this continues. and who noes? maybe in a couple of weeks, months, everything will be back to normal again!
kkiex, happy b'day to dearie once again and sorry i couldnt countdown with you. were u online though? was dead beat after all the day's 'hard work' and after forcing my eyelids open to watch an hour of amazing race. hah.
reminder to bring annex b and $20 for grad night on monday.
den* stepped on your garbage at
26.6.03
yay, blogger is finally done, after a whole day of waiting...and it's gorgeous. heh. played the much-desired-and-awaited monopoly when sis got home. and guess what? she wanted to play just as much as i did! heheh. cool. nothing to say but just wanted to blog for the sake of blogging again. so ciao.
den* stepped on your garbage at
the following was written earlier [9:51] while blogger was undergoing conversion of blogs to its newer version:
everything's gradually reverting back to normal. in the past, whenever i witnessed such things, a huge wave would just swallow me up, my stomach will just go churning and my mind never stops thinking of what i've just seen. thoughts are scary things that plague the human mind. the most irksome being the fact that they are absolutely hard to shake off. but this time, i've regained my composure almost instantly. i envisage the harsh reality of life and i smile in acknowledgement; it's almost as good as offering a toast and blessings to what used to trouble me most frequently in the past. nonetheless, the smile is weak but it's the maximum i can offer. what does smiling at something that pricks define? it defines a huge sense of resignation, or probably a facade of nonchalence or carelessness. within me, i still heave a great sigh. there is a limit to a person's magnanimousness and in a way, i feel that the amount of slack i've given is already deserving of merit. it is in fact, almost tantamount to defying my own personal beliefs and perspectives of life. in any case, im glad that ive cast aside the darker nature of my betossed soul in allowance for better things in life to happen. there isnt going to be a satisfactory outcome even if circumstances were to persist and thus, fading away, (but it doesnt mean giving up) is still the best solution to a conclusive end. life is a rollercoaster, you've just got to ride it...
got this from a book. it's an awfully beautiful description...
Denial is a creature of infinite resource, wriggling its way into the finest crevices of the mind to spin its cocoons around fear and suspicion.
it's so true isnt it?
went to grandma's place ystday. it was fun! and it was madhouse as usual. :) played like crazy and laughed like crazy too. we played a kid's Grade 5 cd-rom, it was so damn addictive, i simply love those puzzles. we set the difficulty mode at 'challenge' but apparently, it wasnt much of a challenge still. haha.
guess the fun part was the fact that we breezed through the puzzles but the challenge only came later. ahha. had to solve a total of five puzzles consecutively and we got to the fifth puzzle when the silly ol me accidentally clicked a wrong button and screwed up the whole thing. one mistake which simply ended off the whole opportunity of us solving the mystery! felt like slapping myself. uRGH! had taken great care not to be careless and reminded the others to be cautious and yet, who was the one who messed things up?! argh. didnt have time to redo the thing so in the end, left feeling so unsatisfied without the knowledge of what would happen after finishing the puzzles. almost felt like bringing home the cd but it's such a disgrace really, it's a grade 5 game afterall, haha.
came home and played more of monopoly with my sister [we already played it at grandma's and i won! haha]. two-player monopoly really defeats the essence of the game, but hell, i wanted to play so badly and my maid refused to join in. she said she had sth to do and guess what she ended up doing? taking a nap by the stairway, wth?! haha. sis won this time, with a large margin of $1000, never felt so defeated in my whole life, haha. but it was fun of cos, we were eating and playing at the same time and i havent felt such childish fun for a long time. i think im seriously deprived of a lot, *sigh*.
waiting for sis to come home, though it's still so early, so that i can play monopoly! haha. that game IS addictive. three cheers to its inventors.
hope my grandparents manage to solve their problem asap and hope my mum doesnt fret too much over their problem because the only victims of her nagging and shouting are the woman of our household - me, sis and maid. so far we've gotten away unscathed. but in time to come, there's no telling what's going to happen.
looking forward to seeing you.
den* stepped on your garbage at
23.6.03
nearly teared when i read your email. it's not often when i get to meet people like you, thanks so much. really appreciate everything. enjoy yourself~ :)
just finished stead's surprise. hehe. my sister says that i lack a conscience becos ystday was my maid's b'day but i didnt even remember to get her a card but am, on the other hand, so enthusiastic about your birthday. haha, not my fault really, only certain people deserve it. ;)
*sigh* suddenly so many feelings of gratitude and appreciation come along and cant help feeling a tinge of sadness, because it always reminds me of the day when we will all have to part. it's just another of those moody feely days...
den* stepped on your garbage at
this is the first time in days that there has been a total of 3 entries in a day. but then again, it's past midnight. countdown to his b'day with him! hehhe. so fun!! :D yay!!! just so happy. a bit crazy but, heck, havent been feeling like this for quite a while. :) yayayay~ happy birthday once again! today's one of the most beautiful nights ive spent on msn for a long long time. hehe. special thanks to the optimistic girl i have much to thank for and to the birthday boy. :) thank you both so much for everything, especially for believing in me. love you both. [couldnt bear to say this when you left but then again, i wonder if u'll ever read this]
am so deprived of the human touch, now i realise.
den* stepped on your garbage at
the gastrics have returned again. just before and during dinner. it was hell of a painful, in fact, one of the worst so far. sometimes i really wonder if it's merely gastrics. paranoia kinda sets in. but the pain always comes as a result of something. as a result of some anxiety or agitation. this particular 'ailment' never existed, or at least it remained concealed and never surfaced, till this year i think. and this is not the first time im blogging abt it anyway. was almost on the verge of asking mum to take me to a clinic or hospital, haha, but was reluctant because didnt want her to freak out during the absence of dad. she'd go hysterical.
so happy that can meet you again. heh. the surprise aint that big la, but took me much persuasion and effort in finding the perfect one for you k? hehe. lalala...nearly forgot how you look like already. hehehe. and some ppl, i have forgotten already. so sad.
today's my maid's b'dae. hehe. was kinder than usual to her. yay! and think tmr's his b'day. i cant remember exactly but i think im right. if you're reading this, happy birthday! miss you so much...[but dont get the wrong idea ya, hehe]
den* stepped on your garbage at
22.6.03
bored to tears but i have no intention of leaving the house. did one and a half qns of lit essays and since the characters they tested on were the boring nurse and juliet again, couldnt help but divert my attn to sth more interesting like the comp. did eng essay ystday. woohoo! finally got myself to do it. wasnt that bad afterall. that's the thing with essays i think, once you get yourself started, the process isnt that tedious actually, it's just the starting of the engine which throttles the entire proceadure. no one's home except my maid. *sigh* time is crawling...
i've come to the conclusion that it is destined that i can only live in my memories. it's not bad really. life in the past was more pleasant anyway. all i have to do is immerse myself into the situation and voila, i can conveniently put myself into that same old ebullience that i felt at that point of time. it's nice to reminisce. the thoughts are soothing and comforting. but in the midst of all these wondrous fairytales, the inclination to suspect that everything was merely a misunderstanding never fails to settle in me. maybe one day the truth will come to light. or maybe it wont. it depends really, there's more than it meets the eye. oh well...time will decide. lesson learnt: lying is no good. i shall not lie to him again.
had a strange thought the other day when i passed by his school. it was outrageous when the realisation hit me. when dad drove past the sch, a voice in my head mummured "my darling's school". when my mind flashed back into reality, i realised what i had thought and i felt totally astounded with myself. slightly appalled even. who would have thought that subconsciously,...i had thought that way? oh boy. it isnt true of cos. it's bewildering how the brain plays tricks on us. i never meant it that way.
you had to so jolly well remind me of the frustration that i had so hastily buried within me. it was apparent, right from the start, what you thought. that draggy tone you always used when i popped the question. sometimes i just wonder how i have the patience to keep asking, making myself the biggest fool on earth. but then again, if stead never suggested, i guess i wouldnt even have bothered. i lack the determination and resolve. and it's not a nice feeling, really, to step down on my pride and succumb to your whims and desires. hate the idea of making you feel like Queen. so what if you're Queen at home, it doesnt mean you have the right to treat us like dust. why dont we just exchange places one day and you'll see how it feels. equality doesnt seem to be present at all. one qn: in friendships, is there such a thing as the superior and inferior? to me, the word sorry doesnt matter.
[sometimes i wonder if ppl reading this think that im talking abt them when im not. mmmz...some advice here...dont jump into conclusions. it maynot be.]
den* stepped on your garbage at